Boundaries, Consent, and Embodiment

Howdy y'all (My North Carolina side is coming out :)

I just returned home after a long day soaking in info and holding space; I attended a yoga anatomy class, a sex-ed class taught by a most amazing woman, and to top it off, I led our Ogden monthly Full Moon Goddess Council. I am completely jazzed from the day as well as enjoying breaking my usual routine by staying up later than normal to bask in the magic of this intense Capricorn moon.

There are some key things I wanted to share that I KNOW will be extremely helpful and valuable to every single person reading this, if you don't already know and implement this information!

SO much of our human suffering stems from a disconnection/hatred/distrust relationship with our bodies. Anytime we don't listen to what the body wants in any given moment, and instead override it with our egoic minds we are reinforcing a distrust between our inherent being and our body. For example: say in the bedroom your partner and you are starting to get frisky but you don't actually want to have full on intercourse, yet you don't speak this out-loud/ or even fully honor that this is a boundary for your body. So, you pursue having intercourse because that is what is expected and the like. Maybe you feel OK afterwards, or maybe you don't. The point is, each time you don't honor the needs of your body you are creating more and more of a rift in the inherent mind-body trust. Thus, after not honoring the needs of our body for many many years, it becomes hard to know where your boundaries are, it becomes hard to fully love yourself, super hard to inherently trust yourself, and overall it just becomes a hot sticky mess.

The first step in beginning to learn how to set healthy boundaries and thus truly know how to take care of yourself, is to start by honoring the simple things on a daily basis that your body is asking for or not asking for.
For example, asking the body questions like:
-are you hungry?
-are you thirsty?
- what do you need right now?
-what would feel good to you right now?
-do you actually want to give this person a hug who is asking you?
- what type of music would feel good to listen to?
-if you are hungry body, what food sounds nourishing to you?

etc. Throughout the day we have plenty of opportunity to say yes or no to whatever life presents. More often than not though, we are not taking the little "sacred pause"* in order to truly drop into the body to listen to its visceral and energetic sensations that ultimately point the way towards our highest good.

*To practice the sacred pause, simply take a deep breath (closing eyes is optional) and truly listen/take the space to hear the bodily response however loud or quiet it may come. There is no prescribed amount of time to take the sacred pause, simply as much time as you need to take in order to break the unconscious/habitual response pattern and to respond in a way that is in alignment with your bodily sensations.

Generally a feeling of expansion or lightness in the body means "yes" "go for it" and the body will respond in a more pleasurable way.
Usually when we don't want something/something is bad for us/doesn't resonate with where we are in the moment, the body will produce a feeling of heaviness, contraction, downward flow of energy. This feeling of "nope" is produced differently in every body, but is generally pretty clear to read.

Think about smelling moldy trash, how does your body respond?
Think about smelling fresh roses, how does your body respond?
Think about having all your debts paid off and plenty of money left over, what happens in the body?
Think about having to spend 5 years in jail, what happens in the body?

Did you notice in one scenario you felt more expansive/good/light, where in the other scenario you might have felt stuck, dense, heavy? However the visceral reactions manifest in your body is perfect, but can you get a clear sense of a YES and a NO (leaning toward or away) in your body?
*If something is a maybe, that is a slightly different category, but for purposes of consent, all MAYBES are considered a flat out NO*

There can be long workshops taught about consent and boundaries, but for the purpose of keeping this blog to a readable and digestible length, I just wanna give you the foundation.

If something is a FUCK YES- it is a yes- go for it.
If something is a maybe, yeah, sure ok, why not,--- it is considered a maybe, and therefore considered a NO- so don't go for it.
If something is a NO- it is a NO. ANDDDD- GUESS WHAT: YOU DON'T AN EXPLANATION FOR YOUR NO*, NOR DO YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR NO. NO is NO. End of story.

So, when beginning to practice consent work and learning what your own yes and no boundaries are, here is a fun activity to try.

1. Play the "May I, game": You just need yourself and a partner. You both agree wholeheartedly (as in a Fuck Yes), to play this game. Partner 1 asks Partner 2 if they can touch/move/do something with/ a certain body part. Partner 2 will take a moment to take a "sacred pause" by closing their eyes and taking a deep breath, and fully allowing their awareness to rest inside their body waiting for a visceral/energetic YES/NO response from their body. As soon as Partner 2 has a clear answer (remembering a maybe is a no), they will say their answer out-loud. If it is a yes, proceed with the request. If it is a no, Partner 1 gets to acknowledge Partner 2's No, and NOT take it personal :) Then you switch. Keep going back and forth. If you are getting YES the whole time, see if you can purposely agitate an edge in your partner so they can fully experience getting to tap into their sacred NO, and speak it out-loud.

After you have completed the "game", feel free to share with your partner what came up. Was it easier to say Yes or No... why do you think it is that one is easier to say than the other? What was challenging? What was refreshing? How do you feel now that you have clearly stated your boundaries out-loud, how do you feel in your body as a whole?


In order to begin to develop a loving and trusting relationship with our body (the house of our soul), we must first listen to it. Like all good relationships, one must listen and honor what the other is requesting. The most important relationship we will EVER have in this life, is the relationship with our own bodies. Point blank. Bar none.... End of story. Our bodies= our human experience. Cultivating self-love will also come when we totally honor and love our bodies regardless of shape, size, sag, cellulite, bags, wrinkles, color, whatever. And, yes self-love also extends much deeper than simply our love and appreciation for our bodies, but this is a good place to start.
How can we ever expect to be in a healthy loving relationship with another human being, if we can't love ourselves first? Well.. let me tell ya- it just won't happen. Self love is foundational to having healthy relationships, and well just frankly, a healthy life.

A great first step in beginning the road (or deepening the road) to self-love, is cultivation of body listening and honoring your yes and no. This practice may seem easier said (or written) than done, and it is- but like all things, with practice it becomes less awkward and actually crazily enjoyable. :)
Using the tool of simply following your "fuck yes", and using it as a navigator in life (regardless of what culture and circumstances say), will make you the happiest person alive :) Pretty soon after enough cultivation and practice, your life will primarily be filled with things that you have said fuck yes to! HAHA how awesome is that? Life will become a lot less muddled and frustrating, because you are actively channeling your will through your boundaries. Your boundaries (your yes's and no's) are what create the framework for your life, and what also dictate your future.

Boundaries are sexy. Consent is hot.
Self-love through enacting boundaries and using consent language is the bees knees.
Imagine what the world would be like if we taught our kids this....


Probably much more to come on this subject! Thanks Melissa Hite for re-inspiring me in this realm :)